12 New Words Everyone Should Be Using
In this wonderous age of the internets, some truly brilliant advancements in the English language have come about. I’m here today to share some of my favorites with you.
We all know an alphahole. Whether in real life or from a TV show or book. He’s that alpha male who thinks it gives him the right to be a first-class jerk… but damn it, why are they always so hot?
Thanks to Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother, we now have a perfectly legitimate, official sounding way to get ourselves out of any situation. Uncomfortable conversation? Self-dismissed. Boring meeting? Self-dismissed. Getting reamed by the boss? Self-dismissed! It’s the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself in such a boring situation that your boredom will build to impossible heights until you reach peak boredom, resulting in a boregasm. Most often accompanied by loud groaning noises and eye-rolling. Usually occurs while waiting in lines, in airport lounges, and during college lectures.
Like a tantrum, but not just any old hissy fit. Oh no. This is the type of special outburst only a grown man can have.
Like interrogation, except with beer. Ever need to get information out of someone? It’s simple; get them drunk enough to spill their guts (hopefully not literally) and all the answers are yours! Just make sure you have an interpreter on hand who can speak fluent drunk-person.
A very useful life tool where you learn a person’s routine in order to avoid them. Got a demanding boss? Antistalk them in the office and your day is sure to go much more smoothly. Forgot your best friend’s birthday? Antistalk their Facebook page so you know where they are to avoid them for a month. Annoying family members? Antistalking is always the answer!
A very serious matter indeed. The dissolution of a bromance over something totally important like sporting disagreements or superhero comic book history.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of a fauxpology and probably not realized until later. It’s the very definition of saving one’s own ass. Usually pre-empted by “I’m sorry you feel that way” the fauxpology is especially effective when using phrases like “if you think I was wrong, then I’m sorry” and the old classics like “we were both to blame for what happened.”
Often commonly and mistakenly applied only to women, the ambitchous personality type can in fact be found in both sexes. This is the type of person who will never be satisfied with regular levels of bitchiness. No, this person will go out of their way to out-bitch every bitch they meet, sometimes without even realizing what a Queen Bitch they really are. Usually occupying roles in society such as evil-geniuses, retail assistants, and that guy who always spells your name wrong at Starbucks.
Expecting to receive a text message. We’ve all been there. We’ve sent someone a text and we need an answer. Maybe it’s just a casual question about what the other person is doing that night. Maybe it’s a pseudo-rhetorical question like “why do I always see people I know when I go out in public with my hair looking like this?” Or maybe it’s in the middle of a life-changing conversation when the other person suddenly doesn’t answer and those three little typing dots are mocking you with their incessant flashing before they disappear. Why didn’t they answer? Are they ignoring me? Didn’t they get the message? Maybe it failed to send. Maybe they hate me now OH GOD HELP ME WHY?!?!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I suffer from this condition all the time. You’re on a mission. You’ve got something important to do. Something you need to retrieve from the other end of the house that’s absolutely imperative to— Wait. Why did I walk into this room again?
Because it’s entirely possible for someone to be a complete dork and totally adorable at the same time.
Captain Qaelan Forster is used to trouble. He lives on the wrong side of the law and he’s on the most-wanted lists. He’s mixed up in his cousin’s mess who has problems on a cosmic level—like shape-shifting aliens who want them dead. But Qaelan’s not prepared for the cheeky kind of trouble called Camille Blackstone, whose infamous father has any man interested in his daughter executed.
After Camille drags Qaelan into an impulsive act of rebellion, she finds herself trying to defend the sexy captain from her overprotective father’s wrath, even if she has to handcuff herself to the captain to keep him alive. However, it soon becomes apparent there are much more dangerous things lurking in the dark corners of the universe than a vengeful pirate lord. And she’s just landed in the middle of it.
Jess has been making up stories ever since she can remember. Though her messy handwriting made it hard for anyone else to read them, she wasn’t deterred and now she gets to make up stories for a living. She loves loud music, a good book on a rainy day, and probably spends too much time watching too many TV shows. Jess lives in regional Victoria, Australia, with her very supportive husband, three daughters, one ball-obsessed border collie, and one cat who thinks he’s one of the kids.